I wish the people that know me now could have known me when I was much younger. But then I suppose they wouldn’t have truly known me then either. I was really good at hiding what I was feeling and thinking. Well, the deep, dark stuff. The stuff that probably should have come out sooner than it did. I was really good at taking all the blame for things that happened. For bottling them up and just accepting the fact that it was something I did, or it was something that was wrong with me, or that I just wasn’t the sort of person that deserved differently. So I allowed the hurtful words and actions of others to sink in and take residence in my heart and I took it all on myself.
It started at a very early age with specific events that would shape the person that I became in many areas. At the age of 5 I was raped twice by my babysitter and under the understanding that if I told anyone about it, that he would hurt my baby brother. So I took the blame on myself, for years! The blame that this teenage boy was hurting me. That I was keeping secrets from my mom and dad. That I didn’t have good relationships with boys later in life because I was dirty and not normal. That I grew up thinking that I was an outcast and completely different in every way from my friends and class mates. That because I DIDN’T speak the truth to a single soul before I was 20, that he was allowed to do it to me not just once, but twice and that he may have gone on to do it to other little girls after me. (He was also not the only one to do it in the course of my life.) That now, when something my kids experience or do, and it hits that nerve in me, that I may overreact out of fear or that I know no other way to see it. Child-like closeness was never innocent in my life, and it’s my fault that I get weirded out by it and my husband thinks I’m over protective. Worst of all, though, I took the blame for it because I didn’t see God protecting me and I fell into the trap that so many of us do sometimes….the trap of “How could a loving God allow this? It’s because I’m not worth it, isn’t it?”
I know now that it wasn’t my fault that it happened, but there is still that “what if” that lingers in my mind from time to time. I also know that that incident in my childhood is not the only thing that shaped the person that I became. I allowed it to shape a lot of who I was and I allowed it be something that started a downward spiral in my self-esteem and self acceptance. When cruel words were directed at me or I was unaccepted for whatever reason, I allowed myself to believe that I had done something to provoke it. That I had to just “take it” or worse would come if I fought back. (Not simply that kids are nasty little boogers and can be just downright mean at times.) Well those unchecked feelings and way of thought that progressively got worse, morphed into distrust, jealousy, selfishness, greed, unchecked emotions, and unrealistic expectations. They left a wake of destruction in the path of S.S. Jess. Like a pressure cooker that continually blew her top!
It wasn’t until after my acceptance of Christ into my life that I felt like I could finally start to release the blame that I had been carrying around most of my life. I was also able to see the areas in which I DID need to take the blame and to ask for forgiveness. The way I treated others, despite how they treat me or fall short of MY expectations is on me. “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.” (Luke 6:31) I need to forgive others and extend grace, whether or not I feel they deserve it. “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. ” (Matthew 18:35) Most of all, I need to create a heart and attitude of Grace so that I am not easily angered towards others or myself and I can release those triggers that so often get me spooled up and guarded so quickly.
I have taken the blame for the things that I need to, because I recognize that my actions were NOT what God would have wished and they certainly did not Glorify Him. I can only fix or correct myself and the way in which I treat and view others (as well as how I treat and view myself). I can not control how others will react or what they will do, but I can (and am expected to, as a believer) control how I will react. It wasn’t easy taking the blame for so much, and it was incredibly painful realizing just how much I was so ignorant of. However, the realization makes the learning and growing a bit easier. My taking the blame does not make me a martyr or a gluten for punishment. It’s me realizing that I can have a say in the way in which my spirit is fed and that my faith in God will increase.Tags: Acceptence, Blame, difficulty, Doubt, faith, False Truths, Growth, Wrongs
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