I have spent the past 2.5 weeks thinking on a question…or topic, rather…that was approached in a discussion amongst my husband, myself and our friends. “Who am I?”
This is something I believe every person ponders on at least once, if not 5.3 bajillion times, in their life. With every change in season comes changes in ourselves and what we are either forced to become or choose to change into. Child to adult, single to dating, dating to married, children, jobs, death, moving. You name it, there are endless things in life that affect us and change us. I’ve been through a lot in my 36 years of life and I’ve had many many people, places, cultures, events and personal choices that have made me who I am today. Not all of it is good, not all of it is bad, but there are things that I am trying very hard to revamp right now. This is yet another season in my life.
I’ve learned a lot over the past year. No, let me go further back. 3.5 years ago I learned a LOT. I changed a huge part of “who I was” for a very long time! I was someone who hid inside the bottle. Someone who didn’t have any confidence in myself unless I had my best friend alcohol in the passenger seat. Well, over time that friendship grew toxic and it almost killed me. Until I finally had the courage to stand up and cut ties with it, I figured I was never going to be able to change. No one is ever going to want me if I come out and tell them who I am and what I’m doing behind closed doors.
Well, 3.5 years later I’ve learned that I am so much more now that I don’t have that toxic friend. I started to find my courage and my strength again. I started to enjoy life and to think rationally (some what…. hey, I’m a chic, I’ll admit that I’m just like many other females out there struggling not to be overly emotional).
Now, to a year ago. I was still slipping in one big area. My pride. I am still slipping to this day! Because of my past I have devalued myself grossly and have expected others to give me value and to raise me up. I’m aware of this and I want desperately to change it, but it’s a life time of feeling this way.
When I was younger I hid it in my silence and I saved it for my writing and my art work. As I got older it turned into being rebellious and self destructive to get attention. As a woman (I use this term loosely because I’ve been very immature as an adult, and still don’t believe I deserve the title of “woman”) it turned into thinking I was owed something for everything I have endured and yet, still gave the good parts in me to others.
“Look at all I have done in my life! Come! Let me regal you with all of my tales! Why aren’t you more interested?” “I will do whatever you want if you’ll just give me what I want.” “I think this would be great! Why don’t you think the same thing? Well, I’m the one who’s going to be doing most of the work anyway, so we’ll just do it and I’ll prove you wrong.” “I did this for you, why aren’t you showering me with kisses and affection?”
Since accepting Jesus and then growing in faith over the past few months I have become more and more aware of the things that I NEED to change and WANT to change. They are one and the same. I need to change them because it’s what God desires and because it’s what I need in order to be healthy, good Christian. I want to change them because it’s what God desires and I want to be a healthy, good Christian and also because I can feel and see glimpses of what it will look like if I can get there…and it is GLORIOUS!!! I want God to be my #1, I just haven’t learned or seen examples of how that is done…I wasn’t raised that way.
I am a girl who is a closet romantic and has always wanted to be a southern belle. I am strong and independent when I need to be. (I’m working on not being independent when I don’t need to be. Military wives, you know what I’m talking about.) I love the beauty of the outdoors and can stare at a starry sky for HOURS! I love being around people. I love being on the arm of my husband and showing him off. I organize in piles, I like meaningful gifts with thought behind them, I love to travel and experience new things. I love to learn random things. I hardly ever finish a book to the last page (I can usually tell what’s going to happen in the last chapter), I’m not a fan of talking on the phone if I don’t know you that well, and I’m emotional.
The biggest thing, though, is I am a gal who loves Jesus and everything that He suffered and did for me! I am blown away by His strength, love, faithfulness and caring and I can’t wait to see him one day and be able to give him a huge hug and kiss! I want to be a woman who walks closely with him and is more like him. I want my love and amazement in Him to shine through me. Most of all, though, I want Jesus to take me by the hand and show me how to make God my priority and then how to be a good wife and mother.Tags: change, hope, Identity, Jesus, past, struggling, trying
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