*Some may find some of this disturbing, however I hope that it reaches someone out there who may need to hear it in order to see God’s love behind His purpose.*
The past few days I’ve been spending time reconnecting with Me. I have been searching for myself for years and have thought that she was lost forever amongst the rubble of abuse, addiction, abortion, anger, abandonment and failed relationships. She started to disappear towards the end of my Senior year of high school as the prospect of being “cast out” into the world and feeling entirely unprepared started to eat away at me.
As the years went by and more and more happened “to me,” I lost myself a little more. I tried desperately to cling on to her and was able to salvage the shadows of who she once was. I still believed that she was inside and that I could still claim her as my identity, but the truth was, I was allowing the baggage of my past to weigh her down SO much that she was never able to truly come back up for air.
You remember my little “encounter” the other day? That was a huge part of what it was. God reminded me of what and who I was meant to be. Before I started to drift away from the good path I was on, and started to go down my road of destruction. Now, I have no doubt that God has placed the obstacles in my life so that I may one day come to know and love Him and to accept his Son as my savior. Why they had to be so drastic? I don’t know…up until that point in my life when I started to drift I was a pretty mild person.
I had issues. Any child raped a couple times at the age of 5 is going to have some serious issues. But aside from that, I was a pretty good kid and was growing a relationship with God…kinda. Then the fear of being “an adult” kicked in and the fear of sex in college, student rape, condoms…you name it, growing up meant I would have to face my biggest fear! I was not ready! So I did everything I could to cry out for help in the WRONG ways.
When I was in rehab a few years ago, I was denied the opportunity to talk about my experience as a child. My therapist didn’t feel that I was ready for it. She was right… A few of us ladies got to talking one night about the topic and it did not end well! We were all a horrible mess the next day and our therapists had to do damage control for our silly decision. However, through DBT I’m finding that a lot of my choices in life have stemmed from having held in that childhood experience for 20 years before even telling a soul, and having never got the proper help in dealing with this issue and the way it has affected me.
I know most people want to say, “oh….that’s just a bunch of monkey crud that any TV therapist would say.” Let me put it to you this way. Try having someone, when you’re 5 and should be living as a child, brand your stomach and tell you that you can’t tell a soul or something bad will happen to someone you love. Will that not affect you for life? It’ll force you to wear only certain clothes, your mom or dad could no longer help you bathe or they’d see it and you’d have to lie to them on how you got it. You’d be more hesitant to make friends for fear of judgment, even if they never saw the scar, YOU knew it was there. It changes the entire way you grow up. You are no longer a child and you’ve got a long way to adulthood. You are now in an in-between.
Well, I do believe that I am finally out of my in-between…or getting there at least! I’ve dealt with a lot of the hurt I’ve caused due to my actions over the past 16 years or so. I’ve seen the progression of my actions and lack of guidance to where I am today. It’s a pretty amazing turn around and I’m still growing, however it has caused a lot of pain. Pain that I will be left to carry for the rest of my life. However, it is incredibly lighter now than it has ever been! Thanks to God and his amazing love for me and the testimony that I now have to share.
It has been a long journey and it has been real ugly at times, but as I lay my past at His feet I am able to sift through the ashes and find myself again. The girl who so desperately wants to get back on horse back, who wants to go spend time alone in nature now and then to regroup, who is craving to have her turn-table and records back! To paint the side of a building and volunteer at the local nursing home or soup kitchen. The girl who loves to splash in puddles and dance like no one is watching. She’s in there and she’s coming back out, slowly, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to see her again! To be able to share her with others after her long hibernation! To be able to show my children what Joy looks like.Tags: abuse, faith, God, Growth, Identity, Joy, life, lost, Love, plan, saved, sensitive subject
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