A good part of my life I’ve felt like I was trapped inside myself. That there was this person longing to come out, but fearful of being hurt or disliked. Being called a “dork” or “annoying” or just plain weird. I’ve kept that person on a very tight leash. Because of it, it had turned me into someone that I was not fond of but didn’t know how to change. The joy and fun was masked over by years of trying harder and harder to contain her and thus losing sight of who it is I SO desperately wanted to openly be.
Over these past few days I’ve taken time to spend in prayer, with friends, meeting new people, working on projects, reading and most of all…spending time with our kids. I had been trying to keep moral up since my husband was called away last week to help with Hurricane Florence, with no mention of how long this trip will be. So the kids and I have been feeling kind of left hanging with no return date to look forward to. Needless to say, I am incredibly proud of him and the amazing person he is for being able to leave at a moment’s notice when times like these arise, but we do miss him terribly! So I’ve been trying to keep the kids, and myself, busy.
Thankfully, with all of the quality time and focus I’ve been putting on the kids, they have made it so much easier for me to explore my inner self and to have that person I once wanted to be, start to come out. It’s pretty cool to watch! Most of the time I get the same reaction. This look on their face of complete joy and astonishment! The look that says “Whoa! Where did this person come from?! Do it again!” It has been absolutely priceless and so encouraging and I can’t wait to share it with my husband when he gets home.
I had been spending so much time reading self-help books and looking to other people for ways to help me, that one day I realized….I need to look inside myself and who God made me to be. No one else knows me better than He does! So I’ve been reading books that I really enjoy, about dragons and crazy made up lands (yes, that’s the dork in me coming out) to help build my imagination again. I can’t play super heroes with my son if I’m a stick in the mud, right? I’ve been listening to my “Hippie music,” as my husband used to call it, because it brings me joy and bounce to my step. What better way to get crazy dance parties going with our girls? Planning family day trips to collect experiences and memories instead of more toys and self help books. Eating healthy (ish) and spending time playing tag or hide and seek instead of turning the television on.
God can do some pretty amazing things in you if you simply turn off the distractions around you and focus on him and what he created you for. He created me to be a fun, quirky, loving and caring wife to my husband, mother to our 5 beautiful littles, and friend to many, and I am so joyful to meet her each time she comes out! Normally when their dad is away I can see the stress it puts on the kids as they miss him more and more. This time, because of the changes in me, there’s less arguing, less whining and less stress all around because, I believe, of one simple thing….I stopped fighting God and holding myself back. I am giving my whole self to my family and trying to live a life of gratitude and praise.
Next on the list of things I really want to do….start a food fight when their dad is home! (I’m debating on whether or not that’s a good teaching lesson for the kids though… *wink)Tags: change, children, Family, fun, God, happiness, Joy, life, myself, purpose, self esteem
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