So, as I sat today and worked some on updating a profile of mine, I got to a point where I needed to add skills and experience that I have (for when/if I want to make contacts that could lead to a job). Needless to say I was at a loss. Sure, I once used to be pretty diverse in my experiences and I had a few skills that I could claim. However, today I really couldn’t think of anything that I was good at anymore.
Over the past decade I have proven that I am not the best at mothering, cleaning, time management, cooking, being a wife, and I have never been organized (except when it came to school). I have received much criticism for the person I was, and rightly so, and even though I have worked hard at gaining the trust and confidence of people over the past 3 years or so, I still don’t feel like I can claim to be “good” at anything. I have no resume to give.
I honestly believe that that is the biggest thing that led me to accepting Christ a year ago. I fell on my knees and begged God to “just take it away from me.” To take away the pain and the feeling of complete hopelessness. The fear and inability to live my life well and be the mother, wife and friend that I felt I had completely destroyed and would never be able to mend. The sins that I had committed and I was certain had already condemned me to hell years before. To basically take my life.
Rewind about 4 years: I had had a miscarriage just prior to conceiving our 4th child and I remember clearly crying in the bathroom the day it started. I remember curling up on the bathroom tile from the physical pain of it and trying so desperately to will the baby back to life. To keep it inside me as if my body could shelter it and protect it so that it wouldn’t leave me and be disposed of into the cold world as if it were nothing. I remember begging God to just let it live. That I would take care of it, if He would only change his mind and let me have THIS baby.
In the middle of my sobbing and clutching at my stomach, I felt something come over me and I handed that baby over to God. I apologized for being selfish and for not simply understanding that He was watching over this child. That He knew, long before I did, that this baby would probably not have lived long even outside my womb. That it was better for it to go now. I offered up my sorrow and I thanked him for the 3 beautiful children that I did have. For blessing us with healthy babies when I did not do the best in caring for them while I was pregnant. I handed over this 10 week (ish) old fetus and I stopped crying.
I may not be good at anything right now, but as I hand over my life to Him, I see pieces of myself come back. I see new pieces of my new self come out and I get acquainted with her. There are still too many of my old habits and triggers that exist, though, that hinder my walk with Christ and overshadow the good at times. Those things that have caused me to lose friendships over the years, to destroy relationships and trust, and have made it hard for me to see the good in myself. (And quite frankly, for others to see the good in me also.)
The other night it was mentioned, that as ambassadors of Christ, we are under harsher scrutiny. I totally believe that! When I do wrong I am so blindingly aware of it now and it hurts so much more now than it did in the past. I was naive, drunken and ignorant in the past, where as now I hear myself saying the things I know I shouldn’t, and yet I can’t stop the words from coming. It’s infuriating, really! It also doesn’t help that I am a pro at beating myself up. I am definitely my worst critic! When we continue to do the things we know that we shouldn’t, it compromises our integrity as Christians. It forces people to look at us in a different light and wonder why in the world we can claim to be a follower and lover of the most perfect person who ever walked this earth and yet act like a complete dirt bag. Let me just say….I wonder that about myself sometimes too.
There are pieces of me that need to be “aborted” from my thinking, acting, feeling and living. Pieces of my actions and reactions that are like that fetus…they are not growing healthy or as they should be and they need to be gotten rid of. They don’t belong in me and I know that the best thing for me, and for the good that is in me, is for me to stop clinging to them. They won’t get better. They won’t produce different results the next time. As they say in AA…insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different (better) results.
So, what do I want to be good at? I want to be good at listening and speaking. I want to be good at managing my time and the time of my family. I want to be good at relationships and intimacy. To be good at loving myself and knowing when I need to dismiss undo criticism. I want to be a good Christian and all that comes with it. Love, Patience, Joy, Peace, Gentleness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Kindness and Self Control.Tags: change, Christ, faith, Family, Flaws, forgiveness, Fruits of the Spirit, God, Growth, Hand it Over, Identity, Insanity, Integrity, life, Resume, sin, Skills, Submission
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