Turning your will and your life over to the care of God. It’s not an easy thing to do and sometimes it takes a lot of time to get to that point…if ever.
Each morning, since my days in rehab, I have begun my day by saying the 3rd step prayer:
God, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
Sometimes it’s shortened to simply “God, do with me as Thou wilt. May I do Thy will always!” I’ve been praying this for over 3.5 years…
About a week ago I made the conscious decision to actually try doing what I’ve been praying for so long. To stop “banging my head on the wall” and to stop the emotional roller coasters. To stop trying to figure out the best course of action. To stop craving so much from others and stop day dreaming. It’s left a huge void in my gut and it’s so quiet inside me. Honestly, it’s kind of scary because it almost feels like a piece of me has died, or is close to selling the farm.
So what am I doing with that void? I’m trying to fill it with His presence. I’m trying to look inwardly instead of outwardly. To allow that void to shrink and to become proportionate again. I liken it to an obese person who starts a radical diet. Their stomach has been stretched beyond where it should be and needs to heal and shrink back down to a normal size. They will feel hungry and empty for a while.
Occasionally I find myself wanting to take the control back. I want to be quick to anger. I want to push my opinions on others, to have my feelings and thoughts validated. I want to show love and affection in hopes that it will do good and bring about mutual joy, knowing full well that it will not be reciprocated. I want to live a life of quid pro quo. The problem with all of those things is that it leaves me feeling so much more empty. Not a quiet empty, but rather a pot of boiling water empty. No other ingredients, just the rolling boil and me.
As scary as this dead silence is at times, I’ll take it any day over the constant turmoil I’ve felt within me for years. The constant aching and sorrow. The unending longing and wishing. The perpetual fear and worry of what’s coming. God has it and all I can do is trust in His plan. To remain open to whenever He decides to use me. To make sure that Satan doesn’t move in and fill that gap with something even more terrible than what resided there before. He comes in many disguises. Most of the time satan comes in the disguise as something that would be “good” or “acceptable” or “reasonable.” So any time something seems a bit iffy, I stop and I pray. “God? Is this you telling me to do this, or is it the devil? Because, it seems like the right thing to do but something is telling me to wait.”
Usually I find that the thing I most want to do…if I hold back and don’t and it causes me to get antsy…it’s something I shouldn’t do. Like holding my tongue. It burns me up when someone says something mean and I want to fire back at them. So I try to hold my tongue and I stay silent and I can feel the words and emotions fighting to come out. That’s satan. He’s in there telling me “Just say it! They need to know that they hurt you and you have every right to show them just how deep their words cut. They did wrong first so you’ll be validated.”
Instead, now, I’m doing my best to hand it over to God and to simply ask him to do with me as He will. To fill me with His peace and to show me His power, His love and His way of life.
Tags: 3rd Step Prayer, Anxiety, change, Empty, Fear, God, healing, Prayer, Quiet, Satan, temptation, Turn it over, Void, Will, worry
Ultimate Blogger Theme By Buywptemplates
Click below to consent to the use of the cookie technology provided by vi (video intelligence AG) to personalize content and advertising. For more info please access vi's website.