Alright friend, I want to talk to you about something that I have had on my heart for quite some time. The desire to speak on it was very prominent Thursday, but I was waiting for the right words and tonight they came. I got to spend the evening with a dear friend of mine with my two youngest girls while the older 3 kids were having a fun night out. Funny enough, the movie we watched had the same exact message I have been trying to tell others for quite some time and it gave me the last pieces I was waiting for.
Your life is not what you dreamed of. It’s as simple as that. I don’t know anyone who could honestly tell me that they have every single piece of the “dream” that they had for their life when the first set out on their own. It is not what you think it should be, and you want something more. You know it because you’re stressed, you’re worn, you’re searching, you’re frustrated, you may even be bitter and have given up on people or yourself.
You know what, though? It is what you make of it. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but it’s SO true!! You can CHOOSE to see the beauty in it because that is what God sees. He is giving you the life you have because He sees the beauty in it now and in the future, if you’d only STOP, open your eyes and your heart and see what He sees. If you allow yourself to think negative thoughts it will eventually over take you and you won’t even know you’re doing it anymore. It’ll just become your automatic response to everything before you even realize you’re doing it. I know this because that was how I lived for SO long.
I tried to find every way in the world to numb the feelings that were making me miserable and that only made it worse. Numbing something will only work for so long because after a time your body, mind and soul adjusts to it and you need something different, something stronger to do the job. You can only get so angry. You can only get so drunk. You can only get so close to the brink of death. You can only get so alone. Once you’ve maxed out your way of dealing with the “bad”…what are you going to turn to next?
A few years ago I chose to turn to beauty. It’s not always easy, but it does change the person that you are and how you cope with the negativity in your life. It helps me cope with the days and weeks and months that I just need time to myself after taking care of kids 24/7 alone. When I am too tired to cook or clean or even take a shower. When the depression hits and I just want to shut myself away from the world because the constant needs of my kids just make me want to yell at them to leave me alone for 10 stinking minutes. When I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and I’m tired of feeling so alone and unwanted. It helps me to stop, take a breath (sometimes shed some tears), and find gratitude in what I have and to see the beauty in God’s design.
Thursday I was able to get out for an hour or so, and I decided to go to the beach. We live so close to it, but we haven’t been yet this entire year! At first the water was still too cold for the kids to play in it, so we just avoided it and the hassle of trying to keep them out of the water, then things got busy, then the horrible red tide started to scare everyone away from the beaches. Well, I figured, that day was going to be the day. I was going to the beach, do a little searching for the perfect shell, take some pictures, dig my toes in the sand, listen to the waves…everything that I love doing but haven’t been able to in so long.
Well….it didn’t turn out that way. That dream was trashed. The moment I started to walk up to the beach entrance I started to cough. It was like the air was sending prickles down my throat. The smell was intense and the sands were so misplaced and littered. As I walked along I started to notice how many dead fish and birds were covering the once beautiful sands. The effects of the red tide had made it’s way up to our little piece of paradise and the debris from Hurricane Michael (even though we weren’t hit by it) were scattered about. It was like walking among a war scene. There was just so much death and destruction. The beach was empty of people but filled with the smell and sight of death.
Most people probably would have turned around and left, feeling completely disappointed and frustrated. Instead, I chose to stay. I walked, keeping my shoes on because I didn’t even want to think about what kind of germs were laying about with the rotting fish and birds. I took pictures of the destruction and of the foamy water. I searched for any sign of life I could find. Eventually I found a bench, sat down and just looked out at the rolling waves coming in to shore.
It was there that I sat and just spoke with God. I took advantage of the quiet and the stillness to spend time catching up and sharing all of my troubles and all of my yearnings with him. I know he knows the desires of my heart and sometimes I don’t know the right words to say to pray specifically. So instead I just spent time talking to him. After I while I cleared my head and I began to enjoy the beach. The warmth of the sun on my skin, the sounds of the waves and the grace of the few birds that still flew about looking for food. I chose see the beauty in His design and to trust that even this destruction was done for a purpose for something better in the future.
Yesterday I had to go to the grocery store and it’s always an event when I have all 5 kids with me. The looks I get are enough to make your blood curdle sometimes. I can feel their judgment. (Sometimes I even hear it.) However, as we were checking out, I was given such praise in how well I am doing as a mother and the kids were praised on how well behaved they are. I love going to this store because of their employees! I have quickly become an advocate of Publix and the beliefs they stand behind. But after talking with the cashier and with the nice young man who helped me out with the second cart (remember….family of 7…lots of food!), it got me thinking. How come at home the kids can seem SO unruly and chaotic at times, but in public they are 9 times out of 10 perfect?
It’s because the way that I am out in the public. In public I have more patience with them and I am calmer and more observant. I see more of the good because I have found that that is the only way I can handle the stress of taking them all out at the same time. I learned this trick when we had just 3 kids and was pregnant with our 4th. I knew something had to change because I would probably stay cooped up FOREVER once the 4th arrived if I couldn’t find a way to successfully take them all out on my own.
It’s easier to be someone different when you’re out in public because you have the eyes of the world on you. But it’s one thing to put on an act, and another to be your true self. So I started a couple years ago to do those same things when I am at home behind closed doors also. Are the kids perfect at home also? Nope. However, everyone still needs a safe place to release their frustration and anger and temper tantrums and I would much rather they do it at home, than in public. If I was not the person I am at home that I am in public, there is no way they would listen to me in public, though. They know what I expect of them, no matter where they are, but they also know that they have a safe place where they can be rowdy, destructive, messy, chaotic kids. Honestly, they are pretty awesome at home too. Their rooms may be a disaster, they may not want to play nicely at times, but they are wonderful children.
I chose to see the beauty in the fact that I have 5 beautiful children who are doing a phenomenal job trying to figure themselves and this life out. That they are learning and growing in a healthy way and at their own unique pace. That they are their own unique individuals without being robotic about everything because all of that strict structure will be flushed down the drain as soon as they leave home and they won’t know what to do or how to accommodate for their entire world being flipped upside down.
I don’t have what I dreamed of once upon a time. My past is filled with a LOT of ugly that I used to think would “never happen to me.” However, now I see glimpses of God’s design in allowing those things to happen. It brought me to the point where I can see his wonder and to give thanks to Him for the good that I have…as chaotic and as lonely and as frustrating as it may seem at times. I choose to see the good and to be proactive in my decisions to act on that good, because marinating in the negative does no one any good.
You have a choice! I wish I could reach through the screen and grab you by the shoulders and just tell you to your face…you have a choice! Choose to see the beauty and ACT on it! Don’t wait for the right time because you’ve already missed the right time. It’s NOW! If you need to, scream in a pillow, pray, cry, write an angry letter…do whatever you need to do to empty your head of the negative that has been consuming you and then move on. CHOOSE to obey God’s will for your life and stop believing the lies. Open your eyes and your heart to the beauty around you, even if it is only for the simple fact that you got to experience the beating of your heart, the gift of sight, the gift of smell, sound, touch, taste. The simple fact that you get to experience anything at all! God decided that YOU were special enough to be given the gift to experience this life so be thankful for that. To experience the bad along with the good. The good can completely outweigh the bad if you CHOOSE to let it and you can enjoy your life. Even when it is not the life that you dreamed of or what anyone would dream of for themselves.
Don’t know where to start? Do a daily gratitude list. Even if that list consists of one thing at first. The next day think of 2 things and the next 3. Eventually you will automatically start to do a mental gratitude list every time troubles come your way and your life, your experiences, your heart will change. The beauty will be felt and seen by yourself and others. Choose to feed off of the good and not the negative. God is good and everything He made is good. He wants you to see and live that good!
4e913903900a525e4f4ede0f55ab95cc87afc938c62307a3f7Tags: Bad, Choice, Dead, faith, God, Good, Lies, life, Negative, Positive, Proactive, Unatached
Ultimate Blogger Theme By Buywptemplates
Click below to consent to the use of the cookie technology provided by vi (video intelligence AG) to personalize content and advertising. For more info please access vi's website.