If you’re anything like me, you lack great patience. I get easily bored and I blame my upbringing. Not in a bad sense, but it has shaped me in a way. I love exploring, I thrive off of always having something to do and if it’s something new, all the better! I grew up all over and moved a LOT growing up. We were always exploring new places and seeing the sights. It seemed like every weekend my parents had something planned to do as a family. At the time, my brother and I complained about always going places, always having to sit in the car for hours on end. Now, I miss it! I miss family time and experiencing things together. I miss making those exciting and unique memories.
As I grew older I sought jobs that would keep life exciting. I sought after fast paced or unpredictable jobs. Jobs that kept me going non-stop. The one I fell in love with the most was working as an EMT full time at one station and part time at others. I also dabbled in firefighting and I “posed” as a 911 operator while working undercover for the local sheriff’s department. Then I became a mother and, as most parents know, children thrive on routine. Well, there went the days of constant change.
I became depressed not long after quitting work and I felt as though there was nothing about me that my husband found appealing. He met me as I was working as a medic and soon after I moved in with him and let go of my pursued career, I felt unexciting, unattractive, uninteresting. He had/has this amazing job and he is SO awesome at it. He is lauded by many, including myself. What did I do? I’m not the best house keeper and was reminded of it. I’m a “pile organizer” because my artistic mind set functions better (or so I thought) in what looks like chaos to others. I felt worthless and so I treated myself as such. I was certain that he saw me as dull and pathetic and useless and so I lashed out at him for treating me as such…even if he never said a word to even imply that. I made up a life that didn’t exist simply because that is how I felt about myself.
This made-up life ruined me. It ruined my marriage and it kept me from living the life that I could have had.
Now that I have recognized these things I struggle to get back on track. To filter through the lies, through what actually happened and what things I was the cause of. It’s not an easy task to do on your own! That is when I enlist the help of Christ. I seek his wisdom and I search his words to find the truth. I can’t change the past. I can’t erase what happened. I may never be able to heal the wounds that I caused because many of them have to be left between that person(s) and God to work through.
That is where my patience fails. The relationships I SO want to heal and rekindle but I can’t. I literally can not do anything but move on with my life and pray that our paths meet again one day.
I started looking at the book of Job a couple days ago at the suggestion of many friends. I had read bits and pieces of it before and all I saw was a guy that was really depressed and had a lot of things going wrong in his life. So of course I thought, “why would I want to study him? The last thing I need right now is more depression and to be reminded of my own tormented heart. Nope, that dude can just keep his story to himself. I want to read something more uplifting!” Come to find out, we have things in common. A lot. Not the steadfast faithfulness. I mean this guy didn’t even cry out to God when everything was taken from him! He simply said, and I quote, “What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?” I mean, how “meh” can a guy get? His entire livestock and livelihood were wiped out, all of his servants were killed and his 10 children were all killed as the house just suddenly smushed them during supper time.
As if that were not enough, God allowed satan to smite him with boils and sores all over his body. He was in physical and emotion pain but still he understood that God allows trying times in our lives for a reason.
His strength didn’t last though. (Finally, he IS human!) However, he didn’t lose faith. His faith simply weakened. He still spoke to God. He still knew that God could do powerful things, even if it were to simply end his life. To end his suffering.
I won’t lie, I have also asked God if he is simply waiting for the right time to just end my life. To end my suffering. That my death will be what brings about the greater good. I’ve begged him to just “hurry up and do it already if it’s what you have planned.” I want those that I love to know joy and if I am not meant to be a contributor to that joy, then just take me out of the picture already. Bring me home! I want relationships to be rekindled and I want to be allowed to lavishly love and respect a husband that God gifts me with. However, my impatience wants to just end it all now if I can’t have it right now.
I haven’t finished the book of Job yet. I do know the very ending because…well, I’m the type of person who reads the ending first. (told you…impatient!) However, for once, I am looking forward to seeing how Job got to that ending. To gain wisdom and encouragement from his life. I don’t simply have to sit around and wait for my prayers to be answered. My prayers will be answered because of the work that I put into them.
There will be days when I feel the Spirit moving in me, like a wildfire or a glorious sunrise, and there will be days when I feel like a ship at sea without wind to fill it’s sails. As if God just dropped me off at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and said, “ok…start walking. I’ll see you when you catch up.”
The impatient side of me wants to stir things up just to get something exciting going. Something that stirs the blood and rocks the boat a bit. Something other than the stillness and uncertainty of when the wind will come back and I can move forward again to my destination. Something that will spark a fire and bring warmth and kill the dead and diseased so new life can grow.
I have to seek contentment in the every day things. To know that even then, God is watching me and guiding me. He has stirred me in order to teach me and now it is my task to practice and hone in on my new knowledge and skills. Once that is learned or once I have truly repented of my old way, he will bring about something new. He will move inside me again and bring me a step closer to Him and to his will for my life. At least that’s what I believe and what I have to remind myself of when I get impatient.
I do so wish that I could have seen the miracles that Jesus performed because I so wish that one would happen in my life. One that I ask for and POOF! I think (don’t hold me to this), but I I think the miracles were mostly performed on those that didn’t believe. They were a means of a great conversion. The final miracle being the Ascension of Christ into heaven and the Spirit coming to live within those who believe. My miracle happened when I accepted Christ as my savior. Though I still had other great desires in my life, I sometimes forget how big a miracle that was. The longing of my heart wants one other miracle in particular. But, as God said…if I follow his commands and I live for the glory of him, he will give me the longings of my heart. I will no longer long for the things I do now, but rather the things that He longs for. Those are the things that He will bless me with.
But, for now…patience. That, and scrubbing the deck and mending my sails so they’re ready when the wind does return. This is how I will praise God in my quiet times.Tags: Growth, Job, Patience, Praise, Prayer
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