Most of my life I have felt misunderstood. I have felt like the person that I was just wasn’t accepted or I was unappreciated. That most people formed an opinion about me before truly getting to know me or seeking to understand who I was. I was made fun of a lot in my school age days for who I was. Eventually that led me to try to please others and I chose to do that in very destructive ways.
I wanted the change to be instant because I had spent so much of my life not being the person that others were drawn to. So I chose to starve myself to get the body that would be pleasing to others because somehow the body I had and that I was comfortable in just disgusted too many. When that almost killed me (and, by the way, didn’t work….apparently being a size 0 at my hight isn’t attractive either) I turned to drinking. Maybe then I would be the loose and carefree person that everyone loved being around. I was tired of people’s first impression of me being “you’re so quiet” or “you’ve never done WHAT?!” or “why can’t you just be more confident?”
Well, drinking didn’t work either because me and alcohol did not mix well! I was ok at the first drink, but then after that my brain, my morals, my emotions, my everything just went psycho and then I started to die. I liken it to a spoon being placed in a microwave that is turned on. It’s ok for the first second or two but after that the sparks start to fly and eventually the whole thing goes up in flames. Once my drinking got the point where my own body could not function or keep running without a steady supply of alcohol in it, I had realized everything that I was, everything that I had once stood for, everything that I had hoped to be was lost. Something had to change or I was going to die as this drunken nothingness of a shell.
After turning to God and understanding that I could NOT do life without Him, I have grown to gain back who I was and who I was truly made to be. I’ve started to go back to my original blue prints, so to speak. However, the one thing that has kept me hung up, since the beginning, is that I feel misunderstood. So I’m still struggling with how to let it go. To understand that I will not always be understood and that that is ok. I have to stop trying to force others to understand me in order to feel like I have worth.
I have always cared greatly on the opinion of others of me. Too much. I’m not exactly sure why, I just have. Perhaps it’s BECAUSE I felt misunderstood. Because what I truly needed or felt I wasn’t able to convey in the proper way. Maybe because I constantly have things going through my head and I don’t have an outlet for all of those dreams, thoughts, cravings, ideas, and just plain randomness.
The truth is, I have not allowed myself to simply be who I am. I spend far too much time trying to please others and be someone that they won’t criticize. I care too much about what others think and I change who I am and how I react in any given moment because of how someone looks at me or how they speak to me. I allow other’s struggles to become my own and I blame myself for everything that happens, because obviously, it must be my fault somehow.
Now that I have recognized where a great deal of my struggles in life come from, I have to figure out how to fix it. I have to look at the person that God made me as and seek His design. Not look to others and seek their approval. Not change my course because of how they treat me or what they think of me.
I love pleasing people. I have to understand that I will not please everyone and I will not please them every time. That I can’t just quit giving of myself because they weren’t receptive that day.
I love giving and I love making others smile with thoughtful gifts. Instead of sticking around to see, what I HOPE will be, their heartfelt reaction, I am probably better off keeping it anonymous. Instead of seeking their approval because God already approves.
I love learning new things. I want to gain as much knowledge on as many subjects as possible. Not be proficient in every topic or activity, but to at least gain an understanding of what it is and what draws people to it. Some topics are not considered “appropriate” to some or they wonder why in the world I would waste my time with it if I don’t intend to use it regularly. I simply have a love of learning and honestly it helps to appease the constant chatter in my head and it gives me an ability to connect, in some way, with that many more people. And I love being able to connect with people and have a reason to spend more time with them!
I love expressing myself artistically. Whether by painting, drawing, dancing, singing, playing an instrument, writing, acting. It’s a way in which I can be misunderstood greatly or be made fun of, so I have struggled with this one quite a bit. With this I simply have to accept that it’s a talent God gave me and an outlet that He provided me to express myself without having to be understood.
I am also a very passionate and driven person, which can be my downfall when it comes to being misunderstood. I don’t understand how I can feel so passionately about something and yet others don’t seem to get it. So I need to turn that passion toward praising God, and I do that by using the gifts that He gave me and by being the person that He created me as, despite if others understand me or my reasons.
Jesus was met with much opposition and was judged by many who did not understand or accept him. It didn’t change his course, though. He lived out the life that God had created him for and He held true to who he was. He understood that not everyone would accept him, that not everyone would understand or believe him. I imagine it probably frustrated him at times and he was probably heartbroken at times because of it. However he knew that in order to live a fulfilling life, he had to be who he was, despite how others reacted.
So today, I pray that Christ will help me to live like he did. To see how beautifully God created me and that to do the greatest good, I have to remain true to who I am. To seek God’s design rather than the approval of others. To be led by His spirit rather than the mood or actions and words of others. To be brave in the face of adversity, and to not withhold the fruits of the spirit just because I am misunderstood and, most importantly, not to take my frustration out on those who don’t understand. I believe that if I remain true to who God created me as, people will see the beauty in me. If we all remain true to who God created us as, it would be a beautiful world because THAT is how He created us. HIS creation is good and we should never stop trying to seek His help in understanding how He created others and to see their differences as beautiful.Tags: God's design
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