Hello friend. Let me, first off, wish you a happy new year! I know it’s been a while since I’ve written and to be honest I’m a bit embarrassed. It was a culmination of various things that led me to this “foggy” spirit. Before hand it was filled with constant varying emotions which led to many ups and downs. It was crying in weakness and pleading for God’s love to bring me peace one week and the other it was holding my chin up and soldiering on. However, over the past couple weeks, I found myself doubting. I was questioning God and His goodness, His faithfulness, and even His existence.
I’m not afraid to say that I questioned His being because I know that is how faith grows. “Uncertainty leads to the pursuit of truth.” However, I do feel bad for asking it because I know in my heart that He does exist, that He is good and that He is faithful…I’ve experienced His hand in my life before. It’s just the fact that I feel like my specific prayers are being ignored or that He’s delaying for a reason that I feel is unnecessary.
I tried so hard to be filled with Christ’s spirit this past Christmas. To bathe in the light of His spirit that he sends out to us, like some wandering soul following the star and wanting to stand beneath it’s beam of light. As if God’s love and peace are pouring down in it’s rays of light. Instead, I found myself being judged, ridiculed and met with apathy.
I did seek out friends and I prayed when I could muster up enough faith to think that it was even worth it, however it wasn’t enough to snap me back out of this funk. Even now I still feel lost and bumbling.
In a discussion that I had with a friend, it was brought to my attention that perhaps God is trying to get me to focus more on him. At first it sounded a bit odd because I felt like I was neglecting other areas of my life because I focused so much on my relationship with God. However, I don’t think she meant that I needed to sit in a corner and do nothing but pray all day. It’s in the day to day moments. In my every action and word. When I focus on God’s goodness and what He expects of me before I speak or before I act, I am spending time with Him because I am using the Spirit of Christ, rather than my own selfish desires. It’s in teaching my children the gospel and being their spiritual leader. It’s in reaching out to others who are suffering and broken hearted. It’s in setting my priorities straight and humbling myself.
Sounds simple enough, right? Here’s the problem…that’s too slow for me. I mean, I’ve got real pressing issues here, Lord! Living in and focusing on using the fruit of the Spirit is going to be a life long practice. I pray that it gets easier with time and that it does indeed create a stronger relationship between God and I (how could it not?), but could a girl get a bone? I know You know how long I have to live, but when I see people my age dying unexpectedly around me, it makes me a bit anxious.
….and it’s that very thinking that I think the Lord is wanting me to lose. To understand that good, strong relationships aren’t built on a prayer alone. They are built with time, consistency, trial and error, compassion, grace, love, and most importantly, by HIM. Having HIM guide my actions, thoughts and words will bring about everything a good life and good relationships require, but it takes time. His time. I have to stop battling the flesh and allow His spirit to take over! For ALL of it is for His glory and for preparing me for the ultimate “prize.” Heaven.
O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause. Show me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths. Psalm25:2-4
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