But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. 2 Peter 2:22
You know, there aren’t many things about myself that I am proud of. Not in my “adult” life anyway. Growing up I was pretty awesome. Under the care of my parents I was happy and well rounded. I dealt with issues like most. I was bullied for being overweight. I was teased for being quiet. I was harassed for not being tough or into the same things as others. But all in all I knew who I was, what I wanted from life and I saw good in just about everything. I had one little lie planted in me, though, when I was very young. That lie lay dormant for years, feeding on the bullying and the harassment, until finally I was old enough to truly feel fear.
Around my senior year of High School I started to feel this pressing urge to tell someone my secret. I wanted to tell my best friend about this lie, this secret that I had buried deep down. I tried to tell her so many times but I could never bring myself to say it out right. I had been raped twice when I was 5, and now that I was about to go out on my own, I was terrified! I was terrified of boys, of sex, of growing up, of being hurt, of having to deal with adult stuff. Because I had been secretly “dealing” with this adult thing my entire life, all I knew about adulting was it HURT and it terrified me!
It made me believe that I wasn’t worth anything more than something to be played with. It forced me to believe that I couldn’t truly trust anyone. It twisted the words and the actions of others into something underhanded and manipulative in my mind. This is the thinking that I grew up with. Not only that, but I was also never, NEVER to tell anyone or someone would get hurt. Well, someone did get hurt. I did. My family did. My relationships, my friendships, my jobs, my grades, and most of all, my heart.
However, God did something amazing in all of this. He protected my soul.
My mind is like the dog in the proverb. My thoughts and fears continually go back to the “old me” any time it sniffs out something that may be trying to hurt me. The vomit. It’s familiar and even though it’s disgusting, I’ve grown accustomed to it over the years. But here’s the kicker….I don’t want it anymore!
I used to think Solomon had it right, asking for wisdom. That if I could receive that same gift from God that all of my worries would be gone. Like when you’re a kid and you sit around talking about which super power you’d want to have. (I always wanted to be able to fly, by the way.)
However, I know of something I desire far more than all of the wisdom my tiny mind could hold. I desire a heart, a soul and a mind filled with such great love, compassion and gentleness that every day is filled with endless possibilities of joy! Seriously! My heart LEAPS at the thought of it! To truly feel all of my past has no hold on me as God has promised and that I am free to be what God has designed me to be. I’ve dreamt of being this person for about 4 years now and the dream only grows stronger.
The dream grows stronger, but the fears and the lies push back harder and harder. I know my dream is possible and I catch little snippets of it now and then. But, this dream? This joy, can only be found when I let go of ALL of my fears. When I trust with ALL of my heart and when I rest entirely in God.
Going back to the familiar for a quick “snack” will never satisfy me like the joy and love that the Father has to offer. Having a spirit and mindset that likes to call it quits will never gain the good that He has planned for me. He has given me a fighting spirit, this I know. I have and always will fight. There were only 4 times in my life that I didn’t fight and each time that I caved…well it wasn’t pretty. But now, instead of fighting over scraps like I have in the past, I want to fight for what is right in His eyes because that’s where my true joy awaits.
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